I wrote this post after the period of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, a time when most people will contact their parents or certainly think of them and their family. For most of us, this is pleasant. But for a few, including alienated children, the thoughts will be unhappy and troubled because they have no contact with family.
A gradual, consistent and patient approach is one of the best ways to reconnect with an alienated child. Take small steps and be willing to work through any issues that may arise along the way.
What you say depends on the situation. But there certainly are some universal truths about what to say to an alienated child. And it’s not just about what you say. Listening to your child, respecting their views, and working together to rebuild your relationship are also elements of the process.
Let’s explore the best ways to talk with an alienated child, including what you should and shouldn’t say.
Checklist When Speaking With Your Alienated Child
Reconnecting with a child after a period of alienation is difficult. The specific approach will depend on the individual circumstances. However, some things that may be helpful to say to a child in this situation include the following.
1. In a case of parental alienation, be honest about what happened.
When the other parent is responsible for causing alienation, such as by abducting the child and/or abusing the family court system or domestic violence procedures, the situation can be particularly challenging. The alienating parent may have said bad things about you, the targeted parent, and led the child to believe you’re a bad person. This can lead to your alienated child having feelings of anger, resentment, or mistrust towards you.
Address the child’s concerns and feelings directly. Let them know that you understand how they may feel, and you are there to support them. You can validate their feelings and tell them that it is normal to have doubts and concerns after parental alienation.
Parental alienation is a challenge, not a life sentence. Keep fighting for your child and never give up hope.
Provide accurate information and counteract any false statements made about you. But also be sensitive when doing so. Kids can find it hard to accept new information that contradicts what they’ve been told before. It may take time for them to come around to new information.
Be patient and don’t push the child to change their feelings about you too quickly. Be consistent and persistent in your efforts to reconnect with the child. Show them through your actions that you are committed to being a positive and loving parent.
2. Express remorse for any mistaken actions or behavior on your behalf.
Expressing remorse for any actions or behavior on your behalf that may have contributed to the alienation is a step towards rebuilding trust. It can be difficult to admit that you made mistakes. But acknowledging your role in alienation can help to show your child that you are taking responsibility for your actions; that you are committed to making things right.
When expressing remorse, be specific about what you did wrong and how you plan to make amends. Avoid making excuses or blaming others for your actions. Focus on your behavior and your feelings about it. Be sincere and genuine in your apology, and avoid being defensive or dismissive of your child’s feelings.
Also remember that expressing remorse is not a one-time event. Regaining trust is a continuous process. You’ll need to consistently demonstrate your remorse through your actions and behavior over time. And, most importantly, be ready to work on yourself and the relationship with your child, even when it is difficult or uncomfortable.
3. Assure the child that you love them and want to be a part of their life.
Children need to know that they are loved and valued; that their parents want to be involved in their lives. This can help to counter feelings of rejection and abandonment that may have arisen during the period of alienation.
When expressing your love and desire to be a part of your child’s life, be specific and genuine. You can tell them how much they mean to you, how much you miss them, how much you are looking forward to spending time with them, or how much you want to be there for them. You can also express your love through actions, such as sending cards, small gifts or arranging special time for them.
Be realistic about the current state of the relationship. Keep a lid on expectation because going back to normal instantly may be impossible. It can take time for the child to trust and open up to you again, especially if the alienation has been prolonged.
Be ready to listen and be patient. Show that you understand that the process of reconciliation may take time, and that you are willing to be there for the child and work through any issues that may come up along the way.
4. Listen to the child and hear their feelings about what happened.
Children often have a lot of pent-up emotions and feelings as a result of alienation. So, they may need someone to talk to in order to process and understand what has happened.
When listening to your alienated child, give them full attention and avoid interrupting or dismissing their feelings. Let them express themselves freely, even if you disagree with what they are saying, or if it is difficult for you to hear. Validate their feelings and let them know that their feelings are important; that you understand and care about how they feel.
Provide a safe space for your child to talk by not making any judgement, criticism or any negative reaction to what they are telling you. This will make them more likely to open up and share with you. Acknowledge the pain, hurt and disappointment that they’ve felt as a result of the alienation.
The process of healing may take time, and your child may not be ready to talk right away. Be patient, and let them know that you are available to listen whenever they’re ready.
5. Be open and honest about your feelings and intentions.
Children need to understand where their parents stand and what they can expect in order to feel safe and secure. Be specific about your feelings and intentions, and avoid being vague or evasive.
Be clear about your expectations for the relationship going forward and be willing to set boundaries as necessary. This can help to create a sense of stability and predictability for the child. Also be honest about your own limitations and be realistic about what you can and cannot do, both for yourself and the child.
6. Make a commitment to build the relationship.
Reconciliation after alienation can take time. And it may be a difficult and uncomfortable process. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to repair the relationship, and be willing to work through any obstacles that may arise along the way.
Be willing to make changes in your behavior and actions that may have contributed to the alienation. Also, be open to feedback from your child about what changes they would like to see from you. This can help to demonstrate to the child that you’re committed to making things right and building a better relationship.
Seek help if necessary. Consider if the alienation was caused by a specific issue such as substance abuse, anger management or other problems. It may be beneficial to seek help from a therapist or counselor to work on these issues and to learn new ways of interacting with your child.
Approach the reconciliation with a mindset of long-term investment in the relationship, rather than expecting immediate results. Be ready to put in the time, effort and emotional energy to heal the relationship and earn your child’s trust back. Showing consistency, understanding and patience, can help to build a strong, positive relationship over time.
Communicating with an Alienated Child
In a circumstance where children are separated from family because of an acrimonious divorce or separation, things can be very difficult. The parents’ residual emotions about their former spouses can complicate matters and make conflict-free communication challenging.
What the custodial parent needs to do
The parent with whom the child lives should always strive to be kind and even-handed when speaking about their former spouse in front of and to the child, regardless of the circumstances of the divorce. This also extends to the custodial parent’s former relatives-in-law (the child’s grandparents, aunts and uncles).
Whenever safe and reasonable, allow the child to see the estranged parent or their family. Again, ensure the child never feels that the estrangement is their fault. For more advice on how to discuss the situation with a child, check out Isolina Ricci’s Mom’s House, Dad’s House.
Connection strategies for alienated parents
If targeted parents find themselves completely alienated from a child due to an acrimonious divorce, they should remember to communicate by letter and continue to send birthday and holiday gifts, through a third party if necessary.
I often tell family members in this situation to keep copies of letters and cards for themselves to show a child if the opportunity for reunification presents itself in the future. These show that you never forgot them and that you thought of them and loved them.
It is important to remember that a child alienated from one of their parents and that parent’s family is caught in a difficult emotional situation. The child has likely heard a number of things about the alienated parent from one source of another that may be true or untrue.
If the child asks the alienated parent why they did something that they did not do it is important to say, “I am sorry that you were told this about me. I have never stopped loving you.” Be kind and even-handed about the other parent when speaking to the child.
What Not to Say
When communicating with an alienated child, be mindful of the child’s feelings and the words you use. Here are some things that you should avoid saying to an alienated child. DO NOT:
- Blame the child for the alienation. The child is not responsible for the alienation and shouldn’t be blamed for it.
- Be critical or negative about the other parent. Even if the other parent is responsible for the alienation, avoid negative or critical comments about them, as this can further reinforce the child’s negative feelings towards the targeted parent.
- Be pushy or insistent on a relationship. Be patient and understanding. Don’t push the child to have a relationship before they’re ready.
- Be judgmental or dismissive of the child’s feelings. Alienated children may have complicated feelings and experiences. Be understanding and empathetic, rather than dismissive or judgmental.
- Make false promises or encourage the child to do something against their will. Don’t make any false promises to the child and never encourage the child to do something that does not align with their will.
Keep in mind that the child has been through a difficult situation. Reconnecting with a parent they’ve been alienated from can be a delicate process. Be careful with the words you use, and be mindful of the child’s emotional state. Avoid any actions or statements that may further alienate the child.
Explaining Estrangement From Family Members to a Child
Explaining estrangement to a child is often not easy. Our own emotions, as well as the child’s capacity to understand the concepts, can complicate things. But family estrangement is even difficult for adults to understand.
Research has shown that estrangement is most likely to occur when one of the adults has significant personality and interpersonal problems. I have found a good way to explain this is to say, “grandpa [or whomever] is just not good at getting along with people.”
Checklist for speaking to a child about a parent they’ve never met
Let’s consider how to speak with a child about a parent or relative they have never met. This can occur when a parent has abandoned a family when a child was very young. As in any situation, questions should be answered honestly and simply, at an age appropriate level.
- Simple statements are best. For young children, a situation can be simply explained saying, “Your Mom left our family when you were little. She loved you but she just wasn’t able to be a mom.”
- Let the child respond to the information in their own way.
- If asked whether you know where the parent is, tell the truth, but you don’t have to be specific. For example, if you know where the parent is respond with “we do know where your mom is but she’s still not able to get in touch. Being a Mom is still too hard for her.”
- No matter what, make sure that your answer never makes a child feel at fault for the situation. It is never the child’s fault that a parent chooses to leave.
Sometimes family members are estranged because of a history of extreme conflict, often involving abuse or untreated mental illness. In this case one of the family members has chosen the separation as a way of protecting themselves and their child from a hurtful relationship.
Once again, allow the child to ask questions and answer in an honest and simple manner. If the child asks why they no longer see the relative, it is appropriate to say something like, “We don’t see your grandparents because grandpa hurt me when I was young. I am still frightened and want to keep you safe.” If your child asks for details, it is alright to say that this is too difficult if it is.
If your child becomes frightened, say: “There is nothing to be frightened of now. I protected myself and I will protect you as well.” Again simple, straightforward statements are best.
When substance abuse is a factor
Many parents struggle to explain estrangement from substance abuse, especially if the child already has a relationship with the relative.
For school-aged children you can explain that the adult is using a drug or alcohol that is not good for them and changes how they act. Using the frame of safety often helps children understand situations like this better. If you explain that the relative’s actions when they drink too much alcohol or use a drug are not safe, and that you want the child to be safe, they are more likely to understand the cause and effect.
Children may be reassured by this explanation since they often realize when situations are unsafe. Children are often more perceptive than we think and they may have also noticed the change in a family member’s behavior or demeanor when they are using. It is important to confirm their experiences.
More than anything, when discussing family estrangement with your child it is important to reaffirm that the child is loved. Remember to tell them, “you are the best person. It is not your fault that your [relative] doesn’t see you. Everyone who does know you loves you so much.”
When Your Child Has Been Brainwashed
Note: This section has been added by editors at Parent Circle in response to user comments.
The article has not specifically addressed the difficult psychological challenges of connecting with a child who has been taught to hate or fear you and is still in the company of the person responsible. However, this reality was in mind when the article was written.
An alienated parent can only do what is possible within the limits of what a child can handle. This means you cannot, for example, engage in psychological warfare or overwhelm your child with new information. Ultimately, rebuilding the relationship gradually and healthily is the only path forward, even if the results seem unsatisfactory.
When you show yourself to be different from how you’ve been portrayed, eventually, your son or daughter may reconsider their opinion of you. They might also realize that they haven’t been told the truth. You are entitled to present yourself in a positive light and don’t have to shy away from conversations about what the alienating parent did. Children deserve honesty.
However, pushing your virtues and innocence onto your child or heavily criticizing the other parent are likely to backfire.
Making contact
- Consistent communication. Maintain regular, non-intrusive contact. Send letters, emails, or small gifts to remind the child of your presence and love. Ensure your messages are positive and focused on the child’s interests and well-being.
- Respect boundaries. Be mindful of the child’s comfort level and respect their boundaries. Pressuring them to respond or engage can create further resistance.
During visits
- Create an inviting environment. Shop before each visit so your kitchen and pantry are well stocked. Make the home inviting. Even if your child is suspicious of you, at least they can enjoy the environment you offer.
- Follow visitation arrangements. Let the child know that any visitation arrangements in place will be followed. It is not up to a child to decide who they like more or whose company they should be in at any given time. For stability, everyone needs to follow orders or agreements unless both parents agree to variations.
- Warm greetings and goodbyes. Always have a warm greeting and a warm goodbye, and a good conversation during each visit. These are the building blocks to making visits worthwhile and repeatable.
About the author, Dr. Gail Beck
Dr. Gail Beck, O. Ont., MD, CM, FRCPC, is the Director of Youth Outpatient and Outreach Psychiatry at The Royal in Ottawa, Canada. She completed medical school and her residency in Psychiatry at McGill University, beginning a robust career that is focused on championing the health needs of women and children.
Dr. Beck is a Past President of the Academy of Medicine Ottawa and of the Federation of Medical Women of Canada, the Honorary Treasurer of the Ontario Medical Association and represents Eastern Ontario at the OMA, and is the Treasurer of Medical Women’s International Association.
Her opinions and expertise have been sought by governments both provincially and nationally, and she had the honor of representing Medical Women’s International Association at both the World Health Assembly and the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Dr. Beck received the Queen’s Golden Jubilee Medal in 2002 and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal in 2012 for her work with children and youth, and in 2011, Dr. Beck was named to the Order of Ontario, her province’s highest honor.
Dr. Beck lives in Ottawa, Canada with her husband Mr. Andrew Fenus, and has three children and two stepchildren.
Hey is it too late to post to these? or respond or whatever? I would like to say Thank You, to the posters, thank you for posting your situation, and thank you for posting in your raw emotional words, thank you for letting me know it is ok for me to feel that way, because I do. I am the opposite opposition, my ex husband is the glaring narcissist, to the point the couple’s counselor had a message for me after 2-3 sessions “leave! save money over the summer and leave” that’s all she gave me didn’t tell me why, it scared me. I figured it out. 2016 I had to leave to save myself. Divorce was finalized in 2018, he stopped paying alimony suddenly beginning of the year so back to court we go. i still feel like I am trying to divorce him. 8 years later, it’s just me trying to get him to do what what court ordered or I am asking he be held in contempt. And though i was driven to the brink of insanity, (instead of listening to the counselor.) July 17 I had to save myself. It was incredible at the speed it took to for my adult children to be present at court ready to testify against me. I think my son felt guilt somewhere because he came over to me and said he was just there to answer questions because he did live there and was a witness. I shook my head in disbelief and told him shame on your dad for putting you in this situation. I have 2adult kids i am estranged from and fighting to keep tight with my 14 year old so can know me and how i differ from who they i am. I wish I could say it gets better. With a narcissist it’s they won’t quit, until there is nothing left of you. Someone asked me if he was trying to make sure i was destitute. Absolutely, homeless, starving, living in a vehicle was his goal, i needed to fit his forecast of me with out him. The best way to get back at a narcissist? Don’t allow them to affect you in any sort of way. Emotions, actions, relationships, thoughts, do not give a second of any of those things up to a narcissist. Live your best life unaffected by their efforts. When its hurts smile that much sweeter at them, and bless their day. Nothing will hurt them more.
I am so sorry. You didn’t ask for this you didn’t see it coming, and I am sure you felt helpless for a very long time. I think courts are beginning to see things more and more. There is a high urgency for the awareness of these malignant narcissist.
🙏🏼Keep going forward.
As a parent of an alienated teen (who is now a legal adult)…an article like this is like so many others..long on hypotheticals and woefully short on specifics.
I’ve been dealing with an alienated daughter for over five years, with all communication cut off to me from both mother and child as a result of outright lies and manipulation (as was validated by court appointed psychiatrist who evaluated all parties).
Not once is there a suggestion in the article on specific ways to address a child who’s been brainwashed by a parent with antisocial and other mental disorders, and a child who has developed them also.
Thank you! Exactly!!
My suggestion,
Run, don’t walk to a therapists office or a coach who can help you step by step navigate.
Also support groups on line are can be helpful
meditation to learn to find inner peace because all day you are in it’s a battle of your mind and spirit.
I unfortunately am currently dealing with the results of my ex wife brainwashing my daughter. My daughter is now 19. Her mother and I split up when she was 3. Since that time I have watched with horror my daughter having to deal with negative things being said about me. My daughter was and has been manipulated to call her stepfather Dad and to take his last name. My daughter was confused and while with me she didn’t know what to call me or say or do or act etc. I NEVER because of my ex able to have my daughter during court ordered days and hours. I made the decision to stand my ground with important events and things and treaded lightly with the rest. My daughter having to pay the price if I was late or didn’t take her back at 5pm when the court order says 8pm. I was told what I could and could not say and what I could or could not do with my daughter. I was never able to have communication with my daughter unless my ex was able to listen in. I was blocked from receiving any information in regards to my daughter from her school, all social media accounts, phone number, and anything mailed my daughter would not receive and/,or was looked at and read by my ex wife. None of the noted and cards have ever been given go my daughter over the years. Making it look as if I ghosted my daughter which is and was UNTRUE. I paid child support the entire required time never missed a payment.
I was TRAPPED in an 18-year marriage with a sociopath. She got her hooks in me by lying about taking birth control and got pregnant before I realized my plight, while I was working as an ATC’er – I had to resign from the FAA within a year because I was only sleeping a few hours a night (unlike my ex-sociopath who could always sleep; the trauma she created didn’t effect at all) and feared I would put two aircraft together possibly killing hundreds of people. Her favorite taunting threat to me was always “You’ll never see your kids again!” It’s now been over 20 years since I’ve had a relationship with them. There are many, many more facets to this story THAT NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN HEARING OR HELPING ME WITH!!! I am now diagnosed by the VA with PTSD and “SEVERE DEPRESSION” with suicidal ideation. The judicial system is DESIGNED TO PROFIT FROM FALSE ACCUSATIONS CARING ONLY ABOUT THEIR CONVICTION RATE. If a sociopath is willing to throw the father of her children under the DV bus, the judicial system sees only their benefit from it. The “assumption of innocence” and “due process” are only SALES PROMOTIONS BY LAWYERS AND DA’s. I served this country as a naive young man who bought all of the BS about honor, patriotism and the rest of the BS only to find out what kind of crooks are REALLY RUNNIGN THE SHOW!!! WELCOME TO AMERICA!!!
Dependence on an abusive parent promotes acceptance of what they are told about the targeted parent. The alienated child often cannot safely express confusion or anger at the alienating parent
Correct.
It says what the custodial parent needs to do is be kind and evenhanded. This would,in most situations, be the same person that alienated the child and committed the child abuse. So the chances of that happening are slim to none. Unless you actually live it then you probably wouldn’t understand.
Exactly!
Kids caught in parental alienation are impacted by high-conflict separations, where one parent has manipulated them to take sides. These children have both physical and emotional ties to one parent and are pushed by that parent to reject the other parent. Motivations include desire for revenge, a need for control, or financial gain on the part of the alienating parent. Targeted parents must accept that they may be disliked or feared as they take steps to build love and trust.
I have been completely alienated from my 11 year old for the past 19 months by his highly manipulative and narcissistic mother. This occurred immediately after my fiancée moved in with me towards the end of 2021.
I could have never imagined what has ultimately transpired over the course of the last year + as I had always maintained an incredibly loving relationship and bond with my child. Without compare this has been the most stressful experience of my life; adding to that stress is that the excruciatingly slow process of the family court due partly to the fact there have been no allegations of physical abuse. Only recently has small progress been made and court orders issued to initiate steps toward reunification with my child, but several of the orders have already been blatantly violated by the mother which has resulted in additional court hearings.
Document everything and keep a journal of every action/ contact you have with your child and or your former partner. Narcissists are relentless in their efforts and will attempt to circumvent and delay all scenarios that would potentially reunite you with your child, they seek control in every situation and court mandates are of no care to these people. This is indeed a slow and emotional process, and also a financially demanding one. There will be times that you may feel upset with your child for having been turned against you but please remember that they are actually the biggest victim of all in these situations. Do not give up! Your child is worth fighting for at any cost.
Thankfully I have had an incredibly supportive woman and family fighting along side me and now look forward to the possibility of reestablishing the bond that has been broken by a truly evil person.
E, so sorry to hear your story. It echoes ours exactly. What is unbelievable is that this kind of behaviour from the alienating parents cannot be stopped, denounced, corrected (not to say reprimanded).
You are right, narcissists are relentless. w
We are in year 5 of this horrendous journey. Trying not to loose faith or our minds. Tha nk you for sharing, hearing we are not the only ones going through exactly this is helpful.